My dentist is an artist
My doctor is a quack
I called my boss a buffer
And promptly got the sack.

My tailor is a sailor
My grocer is a clown
I want to sit upon my head
And not my sit-me-down.

I walked along the highway
When I was feeling down
An upperty man said ‘hooray’
So I fixed him with a frown.

‘What is there to be so bright about?’
I questioned him quite calmly.
‘Not bright about, but right about,’
He said. I said, ‘you’re balmy.’

‘I think you’re very rude,’ said he,
And I said to him, ‘I know it.’
So he said, ‘if you do agree
‘You might still become a poet.’

‘Then good day to you,’ he said to me
‘I’ve enjoyed our chat quite a bit.’
‘So what’s so good about it?’ Asked I. said he
‘You’re getting your fair share of it.’

We parted on the best of terms
And I’ve never seen him since.
But now, whenever I see some germs
I go and have a rinse.

If there is metre in this verse
I should be quite surprised at first.
But then I’d think and have to say
It really is more fun this way.

And as for sense,
There’s none at all –
But no offence
beyond recall
Is meant –
Only to the intelligence.

December 1992