Julie’s fifty – so I’ve been told
What’s she trying to do? Make me look old?
Being fifty is so ‘last year,’
But when I spoke she wouldn’t hear.
‘be like the rest,’ I said, ‘and you’ll be fine’
‘Ten more years at thirty nine.’
But she always had her way –
Got married on a Saturday –
The day that Chelsea played away –
Well, I mean, what can you say?
Didn’t I look a right old fool
When they lost to Liverpool.
Football never was her thing –
Couldn’t compete with the Highland fling;
That’s John, and what they had in common
When superman met wonderwoman
Went on and led to married bliss –
I hoped there’d be no more fixtures missed.
Then Andrew had to come along –
He’s the writer – oh muse, hear my song.
Result? A lot of travelling to do
On Virgin rattlers to Crewe.
After a while we hoped for peace, until –
Another sibling came along – that’s Will;
But this Will, he’d howl and squall
Until someone went out to kick a ball.
We saw the writing on the wall,
Our whole World seemed about to fall.
Then education came along
With its old alluring song –
Come with me – come with me
To the University
And there you’ll get your degree.
You’d think she’d have something more to do
At the age of forty two.
No imagination at all;
What’s wrong with the bingo hall?
But there you are – one just can’t reach her.
And guess what? Now she’s a teacher.
I ask you in despair
It’s just not fair.
I now see no way out – just complete surrender
And admit to be a paid up member
of Julie’s fan club, gathered here
To celebrate her fiftieth year.
So Julie, on this auspicious day
With your friends and loved ones here to say
Those fifty years as from your birth
You’ve filled with fifty years of worth.

May 2005